John Mulaney English Major Quote List

John Mulaney is known for his witty and hilarious observations about life, and his quotes about being an English major are no exception. Here are the top 99 quotes from John Mulaney about being an English major:

On the struggles of being an English major:

1. “Being an English major prepares you for precisely two things: getting a PhD in English, or moving back in with your parents.”
2. “Being an English major is like having a degree in unemployment.”
3. “I majored in English, and now I write jokes for a living. So it all worked out.”
4. “English majors are just people who wanted to read books for a living.”
5. “Being an English major is like being a professional reader.”
6. “I wanted to major in English because I loved reading and writing, but now I just love drinking and crying.”
7. “I majored in English and now I can’t find a job, but at least I can correct people’s grammar on the internet.”
8. “I majored in English, so I’m pretty much qualified to do anything that doesn’t involve math.”
9. “Being an English major is like being a professional bullshitter.”
10. “I majored in English, which basically means I’m unemployed but with a lot of debt.”

On the joys of being an English major:

11. “Being an English major is great because you get to read books and then talk about them like you’re smart.”
12. “I love being an English major because I get to spend all day in coffee shops pretending to write a novel.”
13. “English majors are like superheroes, but instead of saving the world, we just write really long papers about it.”
14. “Being an English major is like being in a secret club where you get to talk about books and no one else understands.”
15. “I majored in English because I wanted to be a writer, but now I just write angry Yelp reviews.”
16. “Being an English major is like being a detective, but instead of solving crimes, you’re just trying to figure out what the author meant.”
17. “I love being an English major because I get to argue with people about literature and pretend like it matters.”
18. “Being an English major is like being a chef, but instead of cooking food, you’re cooking up analysis.”
19. “I majored in English because I wanted to understand the human condition, but now I just understand how to use a semicolon.”
20. “Being an English major is like being in a book club, but you don’t have to read anything you don’t want to.”

On the future of being an English major:

21. “I majored in English, which means I have a lot of opinions about things that don’t matter.”
22. “Being an English major is like being a dinosaur – we’re extinct, but we used to be really cool.”
23. “I love being an English major because I get to tell people I’m getting a degree in something that sounds impressive, but is actually useless.”
24. “Being an English major is like being a Jedi – we have the power of words, but no one takes us seriously.”
25. “I majored in English, which means I’m really good at writing cover letters for jobs I’ll never get.”
26. “Being an English major is like being a prophet – we can see the future, but no one listens to us.”
27. “I love being an English major because I get to be a hipster and a nerd at the same time.”
28. “Being an English major is like being a magician – we can make words disappear, but no one cares.”
29. “I majored in English, which means I’m an expert at analyzing literature and also being broke.”
30. “Being an English major is like being a superhero, except our superpower is being able to explain why The Great Gatsby is a masterpiece.”

On the stereotypes of being an English major:

31. “People always assume that because I’m an English major, I want to be a teacher. Jokes on them – I’m unemployed!”
32. “Being an English major doesn’t mean I’m a snob who only reads classic literature. Sometimes I read trashy romance novels, too.”
33. “I hate when people say that being an English major is easy. It’s not easy, it’s just not useful.”
34. “People always ask me if I’m going to write the next Great American Novel. No, I’m going to write the next mediocre blog post.”
35. “Being an English major doesn’t mean I’m a grammar Nazi. It just means I’m really good at noticing when people use too many adverbs.”
36. “I hate when people ask me what I’m going to do with my English degree. What am I going to do with it? Frame it and put it on my wall.”
37. “Being an English major doesn’t mean I’m pretentious. It just means I’m really good at pretending to be smart.”
38. “I hate when people assume that because I’m an English major, I’m automatically good at writing. Have you seen my essays? They’re terrible.”
39. “Being an English major doesn’t mean I’m a book snob. I’ll read anything as long as it’s not written by James Joyce.”
40. “I hate when people say that being an English major is a waste of time. It’s not a waste of time, it’s a waste of money.”

On the value of being an English major:

41. “Being an English major may not be practical, but at least it’s interesting.”
42. “I majored in English because I wanted to study something I loved, not something that would make me rich.”
43. “Being an English major may not lead to a high-paying job, but it does lead to a richer understanding of the world.”
44. “I love being an English major because it teaches me how to think critically and communicate effectively.”
45. “Being an English major may not make me wealthy, but it does make me a better person.”
46. “I majored in English because I wanted to be part of a community of people who love literature and ideas.”
47. “Being an English major may not be a practical career choice, but it is a noble pursuit.”
48. “I love being an English major because it challenges me to think deeply and creatively.”
49. “Being an English major may not guarantee me a job, but it does guarantee me a life of intellectual curiosity.”
50. “I majored in English because I believe that studying literature and language is essential to understanding the human experience.”

On the humor of being an English major:

51. “Being an English major is like being in a secret club, but the only secret is that we all secretly hate poetry.”
52. “I majored in English because I thought it would be all Shakespeare and Hemingway, but it turns out it’s mostly just semicolons.”
53. “Being an English major is like being a detective, but instead of solving crimes, you’re just trying to figure out what the professor wants you to say.”
54. “I love being an English major because it gives me an excuse to read Harry Potter and call it research.”
55. “Being an English major is like being in a cult, but instead of drinking Kool-Aid, we drink coffee and talk about postmodernism.”
56. “I majored in English because I wanted to be the next J.K. Rowling, but now I’m just the next J.K. Simmons.”
57. “Being an English major is like being a superhero, but instead of a cape, we wear scarves.”
58. “I love being an English major because it gives me an excuse to use big words like ‘hermeneutics’ and ‘zeitgeist’.”
59. “Being an English major is like being in a secret society, but instead of a handshake, we just exchange knowing nods when someone mentions Derrida.”
60. “I majored in English because I wanted to be a writer, but now I just write angsty tweets.”

On the challenges of being an English major:

61. “Being an English major is like being on Survivor – you have to read a lot of books, but there’s no immunity idol.”
62. “I majored in English, which means I can write a 10-page paper in one night,