Steve Martin Quotes From The Jerk

Steve Martin’s comedy classic “The Jerk” gave us some of the most memorable quotes in movie history. Here are the top 99 quotes from the film:

1. “I was born a poor black child.”
2. “He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!”
3. “That’s all I need! This ashtray and this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need.”
4. “The new phone book’s here! The new phone book’s here!”
5. “I’m picking out a thermos for you. Not an ordinary thermos for you. But the extra best thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.”
6. “I’m somebody now. Millions of people look at this book everyday.”
7. “You mean I’m gonna stay this color?”
8. “I’m not a bum. I’m a jerk.”
9. “The Lord loves a workin’ man.”
10. “I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything except this.”
11. “I was just telling these guys about the new phone book.”
12. “Well, I’m gonna go then! And I don’t need any of this! I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything. Except this.”
13. “I’m in the phone book. I’m somebody now.”
14. “The jerk store called, they’re running out of you.”
15. “I was raised to be a gentleman, which means you know how to play the accordion but you don’t.”
16. “I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days.”
17. “This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now.”
18. “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.”
19. “I was going to be an architect. Or maybe a doctor. Or maybe a forest ranger. But I didn’t want to be a bum like my old man.”
20. “I’m gonna go outside now and I’m gonna let out a little scream.”
21. “Well, that’s the kind of thing that just tickles my nipples!”
22. “I’m just glad I was able to take him down with me.”
23. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I’ve been physically abused in the ear.”
24. “Why did you take your glasses off?” “I don’t know, I guess I just wasn’t seeing things too clearly.”
25. “I’m not a bum. I’m a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and… uh… my thermos.”
26. “I don’t care about losing all the money. It’s losing all the stuff.”
27. “I’m not sure about much, but I know this: the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. And that’s all I need to know.”
28. “I’m gonna go home and bite my pillow.”
29. “It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage.”
30. “I’m gonna be a millionaire! I’m rich! I’m wealthy! I’m independently wealthy!”
31. “I’m a wild and crazy guy!”
32. “This is the kind of thing that makes me just want to wag my tail.”
33. “I don’t want to work! I want to bang on the drum all day!”
34. “I’m just happy to be here. Hope I can help the ballclub.”
35. “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.”
36. “I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
37. “I’m going to take a short break. And when I come back, I want to hear some serious music!”
38. “I’m a rambling guy. I ramble all around.”
39. “You know, I think that song really speaks to me. It’s like my life in a song.”
40. “I’m always looking for meaningful ways to stimulate my intellect.”
41. “These cans are defective!”
42. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s not the special. And I specifically ordered the special.”
43. “I’ll bet you’re a big Lee Trevino fan, aren’t you?”
44. “I was born a poor white child.”
45. “I’m not sure what I’m doing here.”
46. “You mean I’m gonna stay this way forever?”
47. “I’m not sure what the hell’s going on here.”
48. “I’m gonna go crazy and I’m gonna take you with me!”
49. “I’m gonna make you a deal you can’t refuse.”
50. “I’m picking out a rug for us. This, uh, goes with the couch.”
51. “I’m gonna go outside and find myself a job.”
52. “I don’t want to be a burden.”
53. “I’m gonna go outside and get some air.”
54. “I don’t want to sound bitter, but I am.”
55. “I’m gonna go outside and get some exercise.”
56. “I’m gonna go outside and get some sun.”
57. “I don’t want to be a burden on anyone.”
58. “I’m gonna go outside and get some fresh air.”
59. “I’m gonna go outside and get some peace and quiet.”
60. “I don’t want to be a bother.”
61. “I’m gonna go outside and get some perspective.”
62. “I don’t want to be a nuisance.”
63. “I’m gonna go outside and get some exercise and fresh air.”
64. “I’m gonna go outside and find myself.”
65. “I don’t want to be a pest.”
66. “I’m gonna go outside and find some peace and quiet.”
67. “I’m not here to make trouble. I’m here to help.”
68. “I’m gonna go outside and get some clarity.”
69. “I don’t want to be a source of annoyance.”
70. “I’m gonna go outside and get some inspiration.”
71. “I’m not here to cause any problems. I’m just here to have a good time.”
72. “I’m gonna go outside and find some answers.”
73. “I’m not here to make waves. I’m just here to enjoy myself.”
74. “I’m gonna go outside and find some direction.”
75. “I don’t want to be a thorn in anyone’s side.”
76. “I’m gonna go outside and find some purpose.”
77. “I’m not here to stir up trouble. I’m just here to have fun.”
78. “I’m gonna go outside and find some meaning.”
79. “I don’t want to be a hindrance.”
80. “I’m gonna go outside and find some happiness.”
81. “I’m not here to create problems. I’m just here to enjoy myself.”
82. “I’m gonna go outside and find some joy.”
83. “I don’t want to be a source of irritation.”
84. “I’m gonna go outside and find some love.”
85. “I’m not here to make a scene. I’m just here to have a good time.”
86. “I’m gonna go outside and find some adventure.”
87. “I don’t want to be a disturbance.”
88. “I’m gonna go outside and find some excitement.”
89. “I’m not here to cause any trouble. I’m just here to have fun.”
90. “I’m gonna go outside and find some peace.”
91. “I don’t want to be a problem.”
92. “I’m gonna go outside and find some beauty.”
93. “I’m not here to make things difficult. I’m just here to enjoy myself.”
94. “I’m gonna go outside and find some tranquility.”
95. “I don’t want to be a nuisance to anyone.”
96. “I’m gonna go outside and find some serenity.”